Reflections

It has been so long since I have posted on this blog, but I thought it would be nice to come back and write another post. Here I am, almost four years later. It's like I'm a whole other world away. The last few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster and I've experienced more grief and sadness and more joy than I ever thought possible. 


Saying goodbye to all three of my girls was indescribably horrific and sad and unfair and welcoming my miracle son into this world was amazing. I wasn't sure that life would get easier but it has. That doesn't mean I don't think about my girls, because I still think about them every single day. I wonder what it would be like if Benjamin had older sisters running around. I wonder about what their hair color would be and how they would have cute little braids or pigtails. I wonder if they would look like me or their dad. Sometimes an overwhelming sense of sadness still comes over me and I cry for no reason other than I miss them. But life does go on and I just continue to try and find a place for them in a world where they are no longer present. 


The only reason I have not ended up in a loony bin over these last few years is because God brought us through it all. Even when I felt hopeless, He was right there holding my head above water and giving me comfort. I came to realize that trying to find an answer as to why these things happened will drive a person crazy so I stopped asking why. I just look forward to the day when I get to see them all again and it will all make sense. All I can do now is share my testimony and hope that I can give some comfort to others. There is a quote and two verses that have really spoken to my husband and I, which I am sharing below. I can only hope that God will be glorified by how we live our lives and how we choose to use this sorrow to help others. 


⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Pet. 5:6-10


³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
2 Cor. 1:3-5


“Seldom does God use a person greatly who has not been hurt deeply.” ~A.W. Tozer

Makenna's Poem

Our Angel in heaven
Makenna Hope Cline
Know you are missed
By those left behind

As I light this candle
Trying to smile through tears
Our Angel's been in Heaven
For one whole year

I picture you dancing
Twirling with little angel wings
With Heaven as your playground
What a glorious thing

With dreams of forever
And much love in our hearts
Looking forward to the day
We are no longer apart

But until that day comes
Know you are loved here on earth
Our Angel in Heaven
We celebrate your birth

Written by Makenna's grandma and my mom, Dena

A Year Later...

I can't believe it has been a year. A whole year since my life was turned upside down. I still have so many emotions, but I think they got even stronger after I lost the twins. It's like my worst nightmare was happening all over again. This past year has been horrible and amazing all at the same time. I feel sorrow, because my babies are not here but I also feel grateful, because all of my girls are now together. I am so looking forward to the day that I can see them again. Even though it seems like forever to me, I hope that it will feel like just a minute for them...that they will turn around and I will be there.

Names in the Sand

So my best friend, Kristen, passed along this website to me from someone in her family. This family in Australia lost their son and now write names in the sand on the beach for families that have also lost children. I thought this was so cool. I think I'm going to have to frame this. I had this done for Makenna and our twins, but here is the picture for Makenna's. The link goes to all three of them.





























http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/makenna-hope-alexis-cailen-and-ashlen.html

Light a Candle

So today is Makenna's due date, and I took the day off to just hang out and do nothing. It's hard to imagine that I should have a newborn right now. It's like a whole other world away. The ladies on the babycenter loss boards have been so great and supportive and they created a webpage to light a candle for Makenna. The webpage is below, so feel free to light your own candle, if you wish. You can light a candle by clicking on one of the unlit candles. Thank you ladies!!
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=jenel

Edited to add: Ok, super sad. I didn't realize that the candles only stayed lit for 48 hours and then they go away! Well, there were a ton of candles lit with lovely messages.

Makenna's Tree

So my mom and dad planted a memorial tree for Makenna in their front yard. There is also a stone that has her name engraved on it. I think it looks really nice. Thanks mom and dad!

Poems

With my due date just around the corner, I am having a really rough time. I think these poems express what I can't really say.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".


MEMORIES
If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.

A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.


Daddy,please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry~
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.
"Please,try not to question God,Don't think he's unkind
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see,I am a special child,and needed up above.
I am the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you and in the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,That's my halo's brillant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost,that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,from a gentle wind that blows.
That's me,I'll be there planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,,and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me,I'll be there,giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy,please don't look so sad,Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my daughter is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Necklace

So I finally got the necklace that I ordered with Makenna's handprint on the front. The back says: Makenna Hope 12-15-2007

Footprints

So I had talked about getting a tattoo of Makenna's footprints and I finally decided on my foot. As someone I know put it 'It's like she's walking in my footsteps'. I absolutely love my new tattoo and try to admire it all the time, but I have to wear a sock for 2 weeks! For a flip flop girl, it's going to be tough, but it was definitely worth it. Also, yes, a tattoo on the foot does really hurt, but I was right, it was nothing close to labor. Hope you like it!

Final Results

So we finally got the final results from our doctor and they were never able to find out what happened. They did genetic and chromosonal testing, an autopsy, testing on the cord and placenta, and lots of bloodwork on me and everything came back completely normal! On one hand it's frustrating because I'll never understand what happened, but on the other hand I am told that since they couldn't find a problem, the chances of this happening again is 3% or less. I guess that should make me feel better, but it really doesn't.

I ordered a necklace with an imprint of Makenna's handprint and her name and date are engraved on the back. I can't wait to get it and I'll post pictures once I have it. I have also decided to get her footprints tattooed on the top of my foot, which I'll probably do in the next month or so.

I have taken 6 weeks off of work, so I'll be going back on Monday the 28th. I'm not really looking forward to going back, but I know it will be good for me to get back into life...The last five weeks have been a rollercoaster, but we are hanging in there.