It has been so long since I have posted on this blog, but I thought it would be nice to come back and write another post. Here I am, almost four years later. It's like I'm a whole other world away. The last few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster and I've experienced more grief and sadness and more joy than I ever thought possible.
Saying goodbye to all three of my girls was indescribably horrific and sad and unfair and welcoming my miracle son into this world was amazing. I wasn't sure that life would get easier but it has. That doesn't mean I don't think about my girls, because I still think about them every single day. I wonder what it would be like if Benjamin had older sisters running around. I wonder about what their hair color would be and how they would have cute little braids or pigtails. I wonder if they would look like me or their dad. Sometimes an overwhelming sense of sadness still comes over me and I cry for no reason other than I miss them. But life does go on and I just continue to try and find a place for them in a world where they are no longer present.
The only reason I have not ended up in a loony bin over these last few years is because God brought us through it all. Even when I felt hopeless, He was right there holding my head above water and giving me comfort. I came to realize that trying to find an answer as to why these things happened will drive a person crazy so I stopped asking why. I just look forward to the day when I get to see them all again and it will all make sense. All I can do now is share my testimony and hope that I can give some comfort to others. There is a quote and two verses that have really spoken to my husband and I, which I am sharing below. I can only hope that God will be glorified by how we live our lives and how we choose to use this sorrow to help others.
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Pet. 5:6-10
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
2 Cor. 1:3-5
“Seldom does God use a person greatly who has not been hurt deeply.” ~A.W. Tozer