Stillborn

It's been a few days now since I delivered Makenna and some days are better than others, but we are trying to get through this. Here is my birth story:

I went to the hospital on Friday night and they induced me at about 9:30pm. I was told it would take about 12 to 24 hours, so hopefully I could get some rest during the night and be ready for delivery sometime in the morning. They gave me my first dose of medication and they would continue to give me a new dose every 3 hours through the night. I started feeling pain within the first hour, but it was very dull. After an hour or so, the contractions got much stronger and it really started to hurt. I began to realize that this was going to be really painful, and I was completely unprepared. The nurses came in to check on me and I told them this was the worst pain that I'd ever felt. They decided to check me and I was only 1 cm. I'm guessing they were thinking that I was in for a long night, and I felt like a total wuss for thinking I was in the worst pain ever when I was only 1 cm. Little did I know, I was feeling nothing compared to what I would feel a few hours later. A few hours went by and I really thought I was going to die. I threw up a few times from the pain and it just kept getting worse. I called the nurse in about 2 hours after she had checked me previously and told her I needed something because there was no way I could go another 12 hours like that. She gave me some narcotics in my IV and I instantly felt a little better. It was still very painful, but felt more dull. Then she left and said she would come back to check on me a little later. About 20 minutes later, I felt like I had to pee so bad, so I ran to the bathroom with Rob running behind me with the IV. I actually didn't have to pee, but then I felt pressure and realized that she was coming. I told Rob to run and get the nurse. I could feel her coming so I stood up and caught her in my hand. I stood there holding her in the bathroom until the nurse and Rob ran back in, and the nurse couldn't believe that it happened so fast. I waddled over to the bed and then I delivered the placenta. My doctor got there pretty fast, and he couldn't believe that it happened so fast either, or that I only had one dose of the induction medication, instead of the 6 doses that I was supposed to have. Makenna Hope Cline was stillborn on December 15th at 1:24am. She was 14 ounces and 11.5 inches.

Rob and I were able to spend time with her and hold her for awhile, and I'm glad that we did. Then the nurse took her footprints and handprints, so we have those. They also dressed her and took pictures, but we haven't seen them yet. On Monday, we had to go to the funeral home to take care of all of the arrangements for her after the autopsy was completed. I was completely unprepared for us having to deal with this, but we didn't have a choice. We decided to have her creamated, and they'll be sending her ashes to our new home, but we haven't decided what we will do after that.

We still moved on Monday from Salinas to Cameron Park, so we've been keeping busy with all of the unpacking and getting settled in. Rob is also staying really busy with the business and taking care of everything so that it will be up and running after the first of the year. I'm taking 6 weeks of disability so I'll be off work for awhile, which will be nice. I had no idea what to expect after labor, but my body has quite a bit of healing to do.

That's basically where we are at this point. This is the hardest thing that we've ever had deal with and I really hope that we never have to go through this again. I'm trying to hold it together, but I still break down a few times a day. I'm hoping it will get easier...