Reflections

It has been so long since I have posted on this blog, but I thought it would be nice to come back and write another post. Here I am, almost four years later. It's like I'm a whole other world away. The last few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster and I've experienced more grief and sadness and more joy than I ever thought possible. 


Saying goodbye to all three of my girls was indescribably horrific and sad and unfair and welcoming my miracle son into this world was amazing. I wasn't sure that life would get easier but it has. That doesn't mean I don't think about my girls, because I still think about them every single day. I wonder what it would be like if Benjamin had older sisters running around. I wonder about what their hair color would be and how they would have cute little braids or pigtails. I wonder if they would look like me or their dad. Sometimes an overwhelming sense of sadness still comes over me and I cry for no reason other than I miss them. But life does go on and I just continue to try and find a place for them in a world where they are no longer present. 


The only reason I have not ended up in a loony bin over these last few years is because God brought us through it all. Even when I felt hopeless, He was right there holding my head above water and giving me comfort. I came to realize that trying to find an answer as to why these things happened will drive a person crazy so I stopped asking why. I just look forward to the day when I get to see them all again and it will all make sense. All I can do now is share my testimony and hope that I can give some comfort to others. There is a quote and two verses that have really spoken to my husband and I, which I am sharing below. I can only hope that God will be glorified by how we live our lives and how we choose to use this sorrow to help others. 


⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Pet. 5:6-10


³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
2 Cor. 1:3-5


“Seldom does God use a person greatly who has not been hurt deeply.” ~A.W. Tozer

Makenna's Poem

Our Angel in heaven
Makenna Hope Cline
Know you are missed
By those left behind

As I light this candle
Trying to smile through tears
Our Angel's been in Heaven
For one whole year

I picture you dancing
Twirling with little angel wings
With Heaven as your playground
What a glorious thing

With dreams of forever
And much love in our hearts
Looking forward to the day
We are no longer apart

But until that day comes
Know you are loved here on earth
Our Angel in Heaven
We celebrate your birth

Written by Makenna's grandma and my mom, Dena

A Year Later...

I can't believe it has been a year. A whole year since my life was turned upside down. I still have so many emotions, but I think they got even stronger after I lost the twins. It's like my worst nightmare was happening all over again. This past year has been horrible and amazing all at the same time. I feel sorrow, because my babies are not here but I also feel grateful, because all of my girls are now together. I am so looking forward to the day that I can see them again. Even though it seems like forever to me, I hope that it will feel like just a minute for them...that they will turn around and I will be there.

Names in the Sand

So my best friend, Kristen, passed along this website to me from someone in her family. This family in Australia lost their son and now write names in the sand on the beach for families that have also lost children. I thought this was so cool. I think I'm going to have to frame this. I had this done for Makenna and our twins, but here is the picture for Makenna's. The link goes to all three of them.





























http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/makenna-hope-alexis-cailen-and-ashlen.html

Light a Candle

So today is Makenna's due date, and I took the day off to just hang out and do nothing. It's hard to imagine that I should have a newborn right now. It's like a whole other world away. The ladies on the babycenter loss boards have been so great and supportive and they created a webpage to light a candle for Makenna. The webpage is below, so feel free to light your own candle, if you wish. You can light a candle by clicking on one of the unlit candles. Thank you ladies!!
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=jenel

Edited to add: Ok, super sad. I didn't realize that the candles only stayed lit for 48 hours and then they go away! Well, there were a ton of candles lit with lovely messages.

Makenna's Tree

So my mom and dad planted a memorial tree for Makenna in their front yard. There is also a stone that has her name engraved on it. I think it looks really nice. Thanks mom and dad!

Poems

With my due date just around the corner, I am having a really rough time. I think these poems express what I can't really say.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".


MEMORIES
If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.

A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.


Daddy,please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry~
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.
"Please,try not to question God,Don't think he's unkind
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see,I am a special child,and needed up above.
I am the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you and in the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,That's my halo's brillant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost,that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,from a gentle wind that blows.
That's me,I'll be there planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,,and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me,I'll be there,giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy,please don't look so sad,Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my daughter is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Necklace

So I finally got the necklace that I ordered with Makenna's handprint on the front. The back says: Makenna Hope 12-15-2007

Footprints

So I had talked about getting a tattoo of Makenna's footprints and I finally decided on my foot. As someone I know put it 'It's like she's walking in my footsteps'. I absolutely love my new tattoo and try to admire it all the time, but I have to wear a sock for 2 weeks! For a flip flop girl, it's going to be tough, but it was definitely worth it. Also, yes, a tattoo on the foot does really hurt, but I was right, it was nothing close to labor. Hope you like it!

Final Results

So we finally got the final results from our doctor and they were never able to find out what happened. They did genetic and chromosonal testing, an autopsy, testing on the cord and placenta, and lots of bloodwork on me and everything came back completely normal! On one hand it's frustrating because I'll never understand what happened, but on the other hand I am told that since they couldn't find a problem, the chances of this happening again is 3% or less. I guess that should make me feel better, but it really doesn't.

I ordered a necklace with an imprint of Makenna's handprint and her name and date are engraved on the back. I can't wait to get it and I'll post pictures once I have it. I have also decided to get her footprints tattooed on the top of my foot, which I'll probably do in the next month or so.

I have taken 6 weeks off of work, so I'll be going back on Monday the 28th. I'm not really looking forward to going back, but I know it will be good for me to get back into life...The last five weeks have been a rollercoaster, but we are hanging in there.

Rest in Peace...

Thanks to a woman on my support message boards, I found this angel box online. We still haven't decided whether we will bury her or scatter her ashes somewhere, but in the meantime, this is where her ashes will be.

Stillborn

It's been a few days now since I delivered Makenna and some days are better than others, but we are trying to get through this. Here is my birth story:

I went to the hospital on Friday night and they induced me at about 9:30pm. I was told it would take about 12 to 24 hours, so hopefully I could get some rest during the night and be ready for delivery sometime in the morning. They gave me my first dose of medication and they would continue to give me a new dose every 3 hours through the night. I started feeling pain within the first hour, but it was very dull. After an hour or so, the contractions got much stronger and it really started to hurt. I began to realize that this was going to be really painful, and I was completely unprepared. The nurses came in to check on me and I told them this was the worst pain that I'd ever felt. They decided to check me and I was only 1 cm. I'm guessing they were thinking that I was in for a long night, and I felt like a total wuss for thinking I was in the worst pain ever when I was only 1 cm. Little did I know, I was feeling nothing compared to what I would feel a few hours later. A few hours went by and I really thought I was going to die. I threw up a few times from the pain and it just kept getting worse. I called the nurse in about 2 hours after she had checked me previously and told her I needed something because there was no way I could go another 12 hours like that. She gave me some narcotics in my IV and I instantly felt a little better. It was still very painful, but felt more dull. Then she left and said she would come back to check on me a little later. About 20 minutes later, I felt like I had to pee so bad, so I ran to the bathroom with Rob running behind me with the IV. I actually didn't have to pee, but then I felt pressure and realized that she was coming. I told Rob to run and get the nurse. I could feel her coming so I stood up and caught her in my hand. I stood there holding her in the bathroom until the nurse and Rob ran back in, and the nurse couldn't believe that it happened so fast. I waddled over to the bed and then I delivered the placenta. My doctor got there pretty fast, and he couldn't believe that it happened so fast either, or that I only had one dose of the induction medication, instead of the 6 doses that I was supposed to have. Makenna Hope Cline was stillborn on December 15th at 1:24am. She was 14 ounces and 11.5 inches.

Rob and I were able to spend time with her and hold her for awhile, and I'm glad that we did. Then the nurse took her footprints and handprints, so we have those. They also dressed her and took pictures, but we haven't seen them yet. On Monday, we had to go to the funeral home to take care of all of the arrangements for her after the autopsy was completed. I was completely unprepared for us having to deal with this, but we didn't have a choice. We decided to have her creamated, and they'll be sending her ashes to our new home, but we haven't decided what we will do after that.

We still moved on Monday from Salinas to Cameron Park, so we've been keeping busy with all of the unpacking and getting settled in. Rob is also staying really busy with the business and taking care of everything so that it will be up and running after the first of the year. I'm taking 6 weeks of disability so I'll be off work for awhile, which will be nice. I had no idea what to expect after labor, but my body has quite a bit of healing to do.

That's basically where we are at this point. This is the hardest thing that we've ever had deal with and I really hope that we never have to go through this again. I'm trying to hold it together, but I still break down a few times a day. I'm hoping it will get easier...

Horrible News

I know news travels fast, but for those that haven't heard, we lost our baby this week. It feels weird to say this all in a blog, but I figured I should just spell it all out so everyone knows what happened.

I had been feeling her kick every single day for a few weeks, but I didn't feel anything at all on Wednesday. This is actually pretty normal, but I was still paranoid. When Thursday came around, I drank tons of juice, and still nothing. I called the doctor and they told me to try some ice chips too, which I did, and nothing. So they had me come in at 2pm for a checkup. My doctor said that it's very common to not feel anything for a day or so because sometimes the baby just moves positions. He did an ultrasound, and when he got up to turn the lights off so that he could see better, I knew that it wasn't good news.

He just sat there, totally baffled, saying he had no idea what could have happened. There was no heartbeat and all of the amniotic fluid was completely gone. He said in over 20 years, he has never seen this happen in a completely healthy pregnancy with a completely healthy baby, just weeks earlier. At my 21 week ultrasound, everything was completely perfect and there were no signs of any problems at all.

Since the loss is after 20 weeks, it is considered a stillbirth, not a miscarriage. The worst part is that now I have to delivery our baby. I am being admitted to the hospital tonight, and they are going to induce me. It will take about 12 hours to work, so I should go into labor in the morning and delivery the baby sometime on Saturday. This is basically my worst nightmare, but I have no choice but to go through the motions. My doctor said they will do a full autopsy and hopefully they will be able to find a cause. He said usually when there is a stillbirth, it is caused by a problem with the cord or placenta and he said my chances of this happening again aren't any greater because it happened this time. I'm not sure if I'll be out of the hospital on Saturday or stay until Sunday. Then we are still moving on Monday as planned.

Rob got the first flight home that he could and he should be here in a couple of hours. My mom drove into town last night so I wouldn't be alone, so she's here too. Please pray for us, because all that I can think to say is that this weekend is really going to suck. I'm still in shock right now and I feel like I'm just floating around, not really sure what to do.

23 weeks

Stats:
23 weeks
Starting weight: 155
Weight: 155
Waist @ Bellybutton: 35

Here is my belly at 23 weeks:

I can't believe that we are finally moving on Monday! I can't wait to get settled into the new house and I really can't wait to set up the nursery. It's going to be so cute. Here is what we've picked out:

I wish I didn't have to work all week because I'm going to want to unpack everything, but it's the final work week of the year for me, and I am totally swamped right now! Rob's going to have to unpack everything, which is fine by me, since I packed it all up anyway. :) My back is a little sore from all of the packing, but other than that, I'm feeling good. I'm still in my regular pants/jeans, but my shirts are starting to not fit! I tried on a few tops the other day to go to work, and they were a little too tight, and my extra long tanks are not so long anymore. I may have to go buy a few more tops. My belly is definitely expanding by the week now, but I love it! I finally look pregnant, and actually got my first pregnant comment from a stranger over the weekend. :)

22.5 weeks

Well, this has been a crazy week! I've packed up almost the entire house now, but it hasn't been easy. I can't even begin to explain how overwhelming it is to pack a whole house up, not to mention working full time and being pregnant (ie hormonal!). Thank goodness my mom came down and helped this weekend, because I was about to have a nervous breakdown...thanks mom! :) Now I'm down to having only a few boxes worth of stuff left to pack, which is a relief.

So our new neighbors came over and just asked the dreaded question...'can you trim your pine tree so that it doesn't hang over into our yard?' Sounds like a simple request, except I think our pine tree is about 500 years old!! It's seriously the hugest tree ever, and it covers a lot of their yard so it could cost $1,000 or so to have it trimmed. Like we can afford that! So I did a little research and found that according to California law, it is the responsibility of the neighbor to trim the tree that covers their yard, even if it is growing in someone else's yard. That means, technically, we could be mean and tell them that they have to handle it, but I hate to be mean. Maybe I could get a quote and see if they want to split the cost? Any advice?

22 weeks

Stats:
22 weeks
Starting weight: 155
Weight: 154
Waist @ Bellybutton: 34.5

Here is my belly at 22 weeks:

So my belly is so huge compared to last week! I can't believe how much it's grown. So Makenna kicks me all the time and is usually active all evening. So in addition to my waterbirth, I've decided to try hypnobirthing. I know it sounds strange, but as Kristen says, it's just guided relaxation. I'm willing to try anything to have as little pain as possible. We're going to actually take the hypnobirthing classes from someone that is certified near us, and we start our first class Jan 8th. If you're not convinced, just check out this segment from Dateline. By the way, based on the women's hair, I'm guessing it's from the 90's, but whatever.

http://www.amazingbirths.com/video.php?video=http://srv6.com/asfroot/ab/dateline.wmv

It's a.....

girl!! So it looks like the baby has graduated from Kiwi to Makenna Hope. :)

Here is one of the ultrasound pics!


So the doctor said she looks great and everything is measuring perfectly. He also said I am measuring great so not to worry about not gaining any weight. He said as long as the baby looks good, it doesn't matter what I gain or don't gain. Good to know...now I'll stop worrying about it.

21 weeks

Stats:
21 weeks
Starting weight: 155
Weight: 153
Waist @ Bellybutton: 34

Here is my belly at 21 weeks:


So the strange thing is that I totally gained a few pounds and an inch at my belly after Thanksgiving, which didn't really suprise me. I mean, if Thanksgiving doesn't make me gain weight, I don't know what will. Then, I weigh and measure myself this morning, and I shrunk again! How is this possible? At least I'm up 1 pound from last week! I'm wondering how much I have to eat to gain some weight around here. I'll ask my doctor what he thinks about it on Friday. 2 days to go!!!! So stinkin' excited...and I just cannot wait to go buy some clothes for the baby. And instead of Kiwi, I'll actually have a name! :)

Speaking of Kiwi, it's been kicking like crazy! After the butterflies came the thumps, and now it feels more like kicks. It's really cool. Except for the bladder kicking, which happens quite a bit. Can't wait till that gets stronger!

Ok, so I have to say, I officially don't have a preference anymore whether it's a boy or girl. I've been leaning more towards boy, but now that it's getting so close to finding out, I keep thinking how cool it would be if it's a girl. So I'm picturing my reaction either way, and I'm just going to be really excited no matter what. I really don't care anymore, as long as it's healthy.

Rob's been gone for a few days now, so I'm a little lonely but I'm keeping myself busy. I have plenty to do around here, that's for sure! I've been packing a little every day, and now I have to clean because property management is coming to take pictures of the house on Thursday. I can't believe we're moving in 3 weeks!

20.5 weeks

Thanksgiving was so much fun! We had 15 people over, and 11 people staying at our house and it all turned out really great. On Friday we went to the beach with family and the weather was perfect and we got some great pictures. We even got Rob and I with the sunset behind us that I already turned into Christmas cards. I'm so proud of myself that I got that taken care of already. :) So Kiwi was really been kicking today, and it definitely didn't feel like butterflies anymore. It's really pretty crazy to feel someone kicking you from the inside...really cool though. I only have 5 more days until the ultrasound and I'm as giddy as a kid in a candy store. I actually still get giddy in a candystore...I just really love candy. But I'm digressing. Soon we'll know if it's Makenna or Caeden in there and I can't wait! This weekend I'm going to go shopping for the baby and buy some cute clothes, since I've been patiently waiting this whole time until I found out.

20 weeks

Stats:
20 weeks
Starting weight: 155
Weight: 152
Waist @ Bellybutton: 34

Here is my belly at 20 weeks:

Here is a full photo at 20 weeks:

I'm finally half way there! So my belly has now really popped out. Thanksgiving is this week, and I can't wait. I'm especially looking forward to my dad's oyster stuffing!! I've been thinking about it for over a month now! Mmmmmmm. We're having a total of 15 people over at our house this year, and this is a first for us to host. I'm pretty excited, but it will definitely be an adventure since our house is so small, and I've packed up half of the house already. Maybe we can start having it at our house every year, since next year we'll be in a much bigger house.

Only 7 more days until my ultrasound, and I'm counting down the days!!